Living in a Recovered World

Back in January I took a job as an art model here on campus. However, due to a large volume of people who also took the job, I just started working today.

I received a standard reminder email from the Art Department of my schedule, and in it was an extra note. “Please keep in mind you will be standing in poses for lengths of time, so we remind you to eat/drink before modeling. We care about your safety and don’t want any dizzy or light headed models.” As I read this I thought, Pshh. What idiot would forget to eat? I then proceeded to throw away a good third of my breakfast, while thinking, That has to be at least 50 calories.

As I got dressed I planned out my day, figuring out class, work, and when I could go to the career fair. These thoughts were briefly interrupted by a nervous feeling in my stomach. I decided I wanted to wear a belt I hadn’t taken out for a few weeks, and part of my mind wondered if maybe I had put on weight and it would be too tight, but the nervous feeling went away as I easily secured it in the tightest notch. My thoughts returned to my day.

I went to the career fair, where apparently every company was looking to hire someone from the IT department. There were really only two companies who seemed interested in me, and one sounded like a glorified call center, and the other seemed like the recruiter was more interested on commenting on the color of my eyes than in talking about my job experience.

Since the fair was a bust (Well, not totally. I did get a lot of free stuff.), I had a while before my next class. It was about lunch time, so I ventured over to the crossroads for a bowl of lo mein and grilled chicken. I smelled the crepe station as I sat down and thought that maybe I’d go get one when I was done. Then I stopped, thinking I have to go model later today. Maybe not. Maybe I shouldn’t be eating at all… wait a second. Mother fr… ugh. I’m the idiot. 

It hit me like a bag of bricks that I was the exact moron who would think it would be a good idea to not consume anything the day I had to bear (nearly) all in front of a class.

I’ve been recovered from an eating disorder for nearly four years now. I’m doing great. I eat regularly, and keep that food down. I exercise like a regular person, not for hours at a time. But days like today remind me that having an eating disorder is similar to being an alcoholic. You can be sober for years but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with it all the time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in a much better place mentally, but little things like being nervous about putting on a belt still are things I have to learn how to get past nearly every day. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is.

There is part of me that is grateful for this, and any other struggles I have. It helps me to be more patient and empathetic for others, as it is a constant reminder that, as Kid President says, “Sometimes being a human being is hard.” It also helps me to rely on the Atonement of Christ. In Matthew 11:28-30 it says, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” I am forever grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and all the world.

For those of you struggling, with whatever it may be, remember that Christ endured all things so he may know how to succor His children. He understands, and is there for you in all your times of need. And I would wager there are many in your life who would be there for you, too.

In case you would like to see the Kid President video I referenced, here it is.

P.S. I did end up getting the crepe.


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